PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
