i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
