seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Randomize
