I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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