I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
