Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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