Will you blow on my dice?
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
