Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
