I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i drank out of a bidet.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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