Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
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