I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
