My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
