i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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