If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
that is very illegal...i love you.
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