wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize