May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
