Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
