Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
