who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
