i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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