I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
whose parrot is this?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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