So drunk, too bad you don't want this
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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