I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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