So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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