so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
