i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
