Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
