Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
