All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize