also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
