Moan for me like Helen Keller
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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