low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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