Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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