The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
