We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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