we're blogging at a bar
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
