don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
