it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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