Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
whose ass print is on the piano?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
