my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
