The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Randomize
