I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize