Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
