Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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