M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
