hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
