My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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