My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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