So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
