Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Everyone says I win the strip club
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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