And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
