I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
