The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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