I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
