If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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