Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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