I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize