What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
