guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
