I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
