If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize