I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
