I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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