I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
