never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize