you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
