I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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