I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
