ya dads aren't the best wingmen
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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