i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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